Rise of The Puppies!

People have continuously been asking me what is up with my hate of puppies. For those who don't know what I am on about, I had been posting the term "Kill a Puppy" as the solution to all of life's problems. It's time to spill the beans behind my hate of the puppies.

Where it came from:

I had just arrived from a Lahore business trip, the flight had been delayed almost an hour which meant that I got home round 2 am and for some reason, I went in to a horrid mood! That mood continued into the next morning. While driving in that atrocious mood I saw a puppy sitting in the middle of the road, so I thought to myself, "Can I cure my mood by driving over that puppy?" Hence began the "Kill a Puppy" trail. And before I start getting hate calls and messages, no puppies were harmed in the process!

There was no actual rationale behind entire trail but a morbid sense of humour. Yes! I have one of those and I am not ashamed of it! But there are some things I inadvertently learned during this escapade which I'm sure you will get a kick out of.

1. People who have pictures of puppies on their display pictures don't see any humour in it. I know that this one is kind of obvious but being threatened with hell for slaughtering a puppy is a real threat.
2. Advertising teasers can run longer: Since there was no campaign after my death to the puppies thing, the thing to note was the level of interest in the entire thing. So, if my advertising colleagues want to run a teaser campaign for a brand they can go far beyond the recommended 3 days, but, you need to make sure that the "shock and awe" value needs to be equivalent of threatening a cute cuddly little creature with a horrible and bloody death!
3. Women's masturbation is called killing a puppy! This was actually new to me and some interesting information someone pointed out over twitter. So, ladies, kill away!
4. Social paradox of language and imagery. On facebook and twitter we have two kinds of people, Urdu speakers and English speakers. The word 'puppy' is an English word that evokes images of a cute cuddly creature that you want to care for and love, and threatening it with death is an unimaginable crime. On the other hand if you use the term "Kuttay kay bachay ko maar do" (Literal translation of kill a puppy in Urdu) no one gives a crap!
5. Zardari all the way! I admit, I should have seen this one coming, anything related to dogs and immediately someone will make a Zardari quip!
6. If you let out your dark side, someone else will too! People admitted to prior situations where they actually killed or ended up hurting an animal. It's a side everyone has and we all need to respect our dark sides. No judgement here, I love you all for who you are, you can share with me because I understand! Nuff said!
7. Animal rights groups in the country are surprisingly inactive! Yes we do have animal rights groups in Pakistan!
8. People have filthy minds! We all know this and I just wanted to say it again, almost everyone at one point mistook the word "puppy" for "pappi" (which means 'kiss' in Urdu). Again, no judgements!

I hope you enjoyed the uselessness of this entire exercise! For those who know me, after Antonio, this was the most fun I had on social media!

Cheers,

Z

PS: Kill a puppy!

Drive Time

I believe I have spent 2 years in terms of time in the driving seat of a car over the decade and a half of driving, and over these years I believe I have become wise in the ways of shaving time when it comes from getting from point A to point B.

I decided to put them up on the internet so I don't forget when I become senile or (and this is more likely) I hire a driver.

Following are some of the techniques I have found that are spectacularly effective when it comes to saving time while commuting to work.

Technique 1: Knowledge is power:

This is perhaps the most critical technique of all, you need to know the the route you are travelling. Each and every road has its own traffic patterns depending upon how it is built for instance U-turns have a high chance of vehicles moving at a snails pace in an attempt to make a turn, this usually happens on the fast lane. You need to know where each such obstruction is and plan a lane switch far in advance.

Be ready to make lane switches depending upon all obstructions, whether its a pot hole, U-turn or even a know thaila stand.

Technique 2: Sometimes the shortest distance is NOT a straight line:

When traversing long distances, the conventional wisdom is to take the shortest possible distance in order to save time. In some cases this is not true. You need to choose a route that has traffic moving at a higher momentum. This is usually a very long route but the question you need answer ultimately is do you want to save time or fuel.

I take a route to work that adds an additional 3 Kms to my commute, but I also save 10 minutes. The reason for this is people generally avoid known long routes leaving them empty so you can cover them quicker avoiding traffic congestion.

Technique 3: Know your side streets

On certain roads at certain times there is only one alternative, get off the road. This is where your homework will come in handy, figure out which side street is open and where it goes. If a road is clogged for miles, your only hope to keep moving are the side streets. this will require some proir recon or you can take the risk of following another driver who enters a sidestreet and hope he knows what he's doing. This is a double edged sword, the driver ahead might be going to his own home or he could lead you out.

Technique 4: Do NOT run a red light!

In high traffic situations this might end up wasting your own precious time and the time of others. When there is a LOT of traffic, you need to wait for the signal to turn, hoping you might skid through at the last second when the light turns red, will land you in another jam. The traffic that just had their signal opened are also in a hurry, you will end up becoming the idiot that blocks their right of way and someone will block your so you will become stuck again. Please respect the singals and the traffic wardens, their job is hard enough as it is. You will infact save time and sanity if you are simply patient.

Technique 5: Give an inch, gain a mile

This call is not taken often enough by motorists. In situations where there is traffic coming from multiple directions and there is no traffic warden or signal, typically in sidestreets, people try to get their own car through which just creates a mesh of bonnet to bonnet cars who cant go anywhere and end up blocking everyone for hours. Take this call and wait, ask the driver net to you to do the same, in situations like these all that is needed is to show a little patience and let one direction of traffic clear, and you are home free.

Technique 6: Eyes front!

Be aware of the traffic ahead of you and know which kinds of vehicles are in your lane, for instance if you see a big trwaler in your lane, even if it is moving fast, it might be best if you move out from behind it early because laden tucks do not move too fast.

Technique 7: Know what to get stuck behind

There are certain vehicles that will always find their way in a heavy traffic situation like ambulances and police cars, however, sometimes you will be faces with an odd choice if you are traversing an industrial area. You may see two vehicles ahead of you that are the same type of heavy trucks, one laden and one empty. This is just pointing out the obvious but move behind the unladen truck. The reason is simple, the laden one is pulling a very heavy load but the unladen one has just a powerful engine and is surprisingly nimble without the load to an extent you will be surprised by it in a drag race. Pick the empty truck over the laden one anyday!

Technique 8: Listen to the radio

Another obvious one, but, tune into a radio station that gives regular traffic updates even if it means listening to crappy songs you cant stand. This will provide you with vital intelligence on which route to take. It is upto you to decide how to use the information.

An unseen benefit of this habit is you may learn of a jam well in advance, and so will other drivers. If you have a sufficient amount of time between acquiring the report and arriving on the 'jammed' road, it may be wise to take the route on which the jam is reported, why, you ask. The reason is simple, other divers heard the same news and are also avoiding that route which will alleviate the pressure on that route and divert it elsewhere, you may just find an unjammed road if you get there with an enough of a delay. For me this works around 70% of the time. But, you need to make your call yourself.

Technique 9: Experiment with time

Sometimes leaving home at a later time will help you get to the office on time. try leaving earlier or later and see which time avoids you the major traffic, for instance, your actual route migh be 15 minutes which is extended to 45 minutes because of traffic congestion. You might leave the house at 8:15 in order to get to the office at 9 allowing for the congestion, try leaving at 8:40 once in a while and see how you fare with different traffic conditions, believe me, you WILL find an optimum time to leave which is the quickest for you. And remember, being 30 minutes early to the office won't kill anyone if it means leaving very early to avoid traffic.

Happy Driving! And let me know your techniques!

Cheers,

Z