Hey There Beautiful!

This post is an open letter to all my lovely ladies. This includes everyone, my friends, ex-es, colleagues, crushes and an assortment of different relations. In short, if you are a woman, this is for you.

I am sure most of my male buddies have my back on this but there are some truths that need to be told. The following list is stuff I've been dying to say to women but due to certain situations, I did not and it also contains stuff I have been harping on to certain women but for some stupid reason you just can't get it through your thick skulls. Now I am putting it all into writing, so read on for the good and the bad:

1. Life is NOT a fairy tale! There is NO knight in shining armour, no prince charming who will sweep you off your feet, and mirrors don't tell you that you are the fairest in the land and luckily for you they cant laugh either! Get on a Treadmill!!
2. When I tell you you look gorgeous in that dumass dress, trust me! I know my shit, I spend a lot of time staring at chicks to know this crap!
3. Some of my luscious friends with all the right curves in the right places, think they are fat. When you tell me you think you are fat, you give me an excuse to look at those perfect curves. And I get a free pass to imagine you naked that is why I zoned out! Not because I was articulating an untruthful answer! Take it as a compliment! Those curves are awesome!!!
4. For the last time! Clothes do not make you ass look fat!! Your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat!! Treadmill!!
5. If you are not fat, you'll look awesome even in pyjamas! Trust me and stop fidgeting about it! The 'fidgeting about it' is unsexy!
6. Stop assuming your other half is a pig! He is a good man and is committing to you!
7. If you are wondering why you are still single, think back was there a dude you were rude to just because. Yes? Well I hate to break it to you, but, you have a reputation as a bitch. Yup, news travels fast in Manland and we are freaked about rejection, you let a dude down hard. That's YOUR fault! Deal with it and be NICE! No one likes a self righteous bitch anyway!
8. Sometimes we like to pamper you just for the heck of it, that new dress is not an apology for some horrible thing we are not telling you about! Calm the fuck down!
9. Shave your legs! We notice and gauge your overall hygiene by your feet! That carpet on your legs is just 'ick'. Maybe that's why you've never been on a second date or on a first one! Gillette Mach 3 will do!
10. Contrary to your opinion we do love you the way you are! 'nuff said!
11. Your insecurity is the biggest turnoff you have
12. Please do not pressure me into doing you a favour that I am not comfortable with, your job is your job. Do it the fuck yourself! Having boobs does not get you a pass! This attitude always results in a reputation for you!

Please don't be offended by any of the above. There are probably more but I'm going to club them into other topics. Use my honesty as an opportunity to grow!

We love no matter what!

Cheers,

Z

The Religion Called Cricket

Dear friends and countrymen,

Pakistan lost to India in the world cup semi final. I cried when Misbah was caught out, it was the nail in an inevitable coffin that me and my friend Danial saw coming when we exchanged a glance at the fall of Afridi's wicket, with a barely noticeable nod. I saw a nation in stunned silence! No one believed it, how could we lose?

For thirty short days, leading up to a climax of 8 sort hours, a nation that has been divided by our own insecurities became one. We all had one identity, we were no longer mohajirs, pathans, punjabis etc we were all Pakistanis, we bled and cried the colour green. It was a feeling of one-ness that our leaders have failed spectacularly to bring us. Afridi and the boys, actually achieved the impossible. They united us, briefly, but united us. It is a feeling I already miss. It is because of that feeling that we have been gentle with the team.

Conspiracy theories started flowing in and I'm still hearing a new one every day. It gives new meaning to the idiom, "jitnay moun, utni baatain" (many mouths, as many stories). I've heard them all, from simple match fixing, to God punishing us for letting Raymond Davis go.

Quite frankly, I've had it. No one seems to be saying that India just played better. The batting lineups were evenly matched, so were the bowling lineups. It was a clash of equals, titans. But, please notice Pakistan gave away 18 extras, India just gave away 2. Pakistan dropped 6 catches, India dropped none.

Discipline was the only difference between the teams. India just did one thing right... they played like professionals. If Pakistan had held on to the balls hit their way and not given away so many wides and no balls, Pakistan would have cruised to a victory. India just played better cricket. Their team had more experienced players in Tendulkar and Sehwag, men who know how not to crack under pressure.

The point is they MUST be doing something right. Even if it is fixing a match or two without getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

It's hight time we put all the conspiracy theories to rest. The clearly have not been working for us at all. We need to figure out what India is doing right as a nation, and we need to figure out how to beat them at it instead of just pointing fingers. We as a nation need to stop with the bullshit and do our jobs. The cleaner needs to clean the best way possible, the policeman needs to start policing and honouring his oath, the executive need to execute with dignity, the politician needs to do his own job. In short we need to start being honest with our professions and stop looking for someone to blame.

It is very simple when you look at it, we need to do the task awarded to us with honour. No two ways about it, we need to start owning up to our own flaws and start taking on the world. Only then will we be able to bring home the gold, not just in cricket, but in every field.

Afridi was the one who led me to this realization, the team reignited my love for cricket (with a little help from Danial). I don't blame the team for losing and I congratulate every Indian for the win. Your team played like a unit, and it was a well deserved win. To the Pakistani team, I say you united the nation behind you, however, there is no column for 'moral victory', either you win or you lose. This time you lost, but we are expecting the trophy in Karachi in 2015. Time to shake it off, figure out what went wrong and make sure that it never goes wrong again.

Please win the upcoming T20 world cup, I want the high you gave me again, and don't forget to take India to the cleaners in 2012!

Go Greens!

Z