Hey There Beautiful!

This post is an open letter to all my lovely ladies. This includes everyone, my friends, ex-es, colleagues, crushes and an assortment of different relations. In short, if you are a woman, this is for you.

I am sure most of my male buddies have my back on this but there are some truths that need to be told. The following list is stuff I've been dying to say to women but due to certain situations, I did not and it also contains stuff I have been harping on to certain women but for some stupid reason you just can't get it through your thick skulls. Now I am putting it all into writing, so read on for the good and the bad:

1. Life is NOT a fairy tale! There is NO knight in shining armour, no prince charming who will sweep you off your feet, and mirrors don't tell you that you are the fairest in the land and luckily for you they cant laugh either! Get on a Treadmill!!
2. When I tell you you look gorgeous in that dumass dress, trust me! I know my shit, I spend a lot of time staring at chicks to know this crap!
3. Some of my luscious friends with all the right curves in the right places, think they are fat. When you tell me you think you are fat, you give me an excuse to look at those perfect curves. And I get a free pass to imagine you naked that is why I zoned out! Not because I was articulating an untruthful answer! Take it as a compliment! Those curves are awesome!!!
4. For the last time! Clothes do not make you ass look fat!! Your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat!! Treadmill!!
5. If you are not fat, you'll look awesome even in pyjamas! Trust me and stop fidgeting about it! The 'fidgeting about it' is unsexy!
6. Stop assuming your other half is a pig! He is a good man and is committing to you!
7. If you are wondering why you are still single, think back was there a dude you were rude to just because. Yes? Well I hate to break it to you, but, you have a reputation as a bitch. Yup, news travels fast in Manland and we are freaked about rejection, you let a dude down hard. That's YOUR fault! Deal with it and be NICE! No one likes a self righteous bitch anyway!
8. Sometimes we like to pamper you just for the heck of it, that new dress is not an apology for some horrible thing we are not telling you about! Calm the fuck down!
9. Shave your legs! We notice and gauge your overall hygiene by your feet! That carpet on your legs is just 'ick'. Maybe that's why you've never been on a second date or on a first one! Gillette Mach 3 will do!
10. Contrary to your opinion we do love you the way you are! 'nuff said!
11. Your insecurity is the biggest turnoff you have
12. Please do not pressure me into doing you a favour that I am not comfortable with, your job is your job. Do it the fuck yourself! Having boobs does not get you a pass! This attitude always results in a reputation for you!

Please don't be offended by any of the above. There are probably more but I'm going to club them into other topics. Use my honesty as an opportunity to grow!

We love no matter what!

Cheers,

Z