When I was in university, I had some romantic notions about what the working world would be like, and after hard experience, I learned certain things that I have just managed to accept and use to my advantage. In case you are wondering, I have just admitted to playing dirty politics with the leeches of the corporate world, but, I am still (almost) humane with those less powerful.
I want to share my cynical outlet with the Internet, even if no one is reading.
Just a disclaimer before I begin, if I have worked with you and you feel shame or outrage while reading the following it's because you are guilty of something.
1. There will always be someone trying to take credit for your work:
This might be a boss or more likely someone from a parallel department who will claim credit and acclaim for work you did and some will go as far as to putting your accomplishments in their resume. I have viewed certain profiles on linked in of people who have put down my work as their accomplishment. These people have bullshit coming out of 2 holes and one day given the right circumstances, I will expose them, out of pure spite.
2. People who claim benefits based on your work:
I have worked with people in the past who have gotten raises and promotions for work that I did. I can literally name the people and the work that they copy pasted, reformatted and presented as their own hard work. It happens a few times not a lot, but the hate and the hurt has always stuck with me. Some of my optimistic friends tell me to look on the bright side and understand that I am THAT good. But, it makes me want to set their car on fire.
3. Someone is always trying to throw you under the bus:
Yes, be on the lookout, there is someone in your department who does shoddy paperwork, works mostly on verbal agreements. Look around, you'll notice that person, the more clandestine they think they are the more obvious the become. Thank heavens that no one has been able to throw me under the bus because of the previous bosses I have had that have stuck up for me and have taught me the value of a clearly drafted email. They are out there, be as fucking careful as you can be.
4. Red Tapers
You have probably run into one of these, it is probably a middle aged guy most likely in your finance department who is used to maintaining accounts on registers by hand. MS Excel, SAP and Oracle etc are their worst nightmares. To feel relevant, they make you run around getting printouts signed original papers and still do everything by hand. They are a dying breed, I am patient because they will die out soon!
5. The Useless Fucks
Most likely has an MBA from a prestigious university, talks like he knows everything but spews absolute shit. If you are from a prestigious university, around a year or more of experience, are used to 'delegating' and tell your friends you do very important shit... you probably are the twat in in question.
6. The Person Who Takes Kickbacks
These kinds are everywhere and I have usually found them moving up the corporate ladder faster than the rest. They make money from awarding projects to vendors at a higher cost but move up because their jobs usually get done on time bu at a higher cost.
I'm sure I have forgotten a great many idiots... but these are the big ones, I know they exist and have learned how to manipulate them. The technique is simple, when emailing these morons, write clear, precise and very singe meaning sentences and learn to use the BCC tab.
Regards,
Z
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