Corporate Stooges

There are some harsh realities when you live and work in the environment that I live in. To be specific, I am a marketer who has worked in advertising agencies and on the brand side and am currently in the latter.

When I was in university, I had some romantic notions about what the working world would be like, and after hard experience, I learned certain things that I have just managed to accept and use to my advantage. In case you are wondering, I have just admitted to playing dirty politics with the leeches of the corporate world, but, I am still (almost) humane with those less powerful.

I want  to share my cynical outlet with the Internet, even if no one is reading.

Just a disclaimer before I begin, if I have worked with you and you feel shame or outrage while reading the following it's because you are guilty of something.

1. There will always be someone trying to take credit for your work:

This might be a boss or more likely someone from a parallel department who will claim credit and acclaim for work you did and some will go as far as to putting your accomplishments in their resume. I have viewed certain profiles on linked in of people who have put down my work as their accomplishment. These people have bullshit coming out of 2 holes and one day given the right circumstances, I will expose them, out of pure spite.

2. People who claim benefits based on your work:

I have worked with people in the past who have gotten raises and promotions for work that I did. I can literally name the people and the work that they copy pasted, reformatted and presented as their own hard work. It happens a few times not a lot, but the hate and the hurt has always stuck with me. Some of my optimistic friends tell me to look on the bright side and understand that I am THAT good. But, it makes me want to set their car on fire.

3. Someone is always trying to throw you under the bus:

Yes, be on the lookout, there is someone in your department who does shoddy paperwork, works mostly on verbal agreements. Look around, you'll notice that person, the more clandestine they think they are the more obvious the become. Thank heavens that no one has been able to throw me under the bus because of the previous bosses I have had that have stuck up for me and have taught me the value of a clearly drafted email. They are out there, be as fucking careful as you can be.

4. Red Tapers

You have probably run into one of these, it is probably a middle aged guy most likely in your finance department who is used to maintaining accounts on registers by hand. MS Excel, SAP and Oracle etc are their worst nightmares. To feel relevant, they make you run around getting printouts signed original papers and still do everything by hand. They are a dying breed, I am patient because they will die out soon!

5. The Useless Fucks

Most likely has an MBA from a prestigious university, talks like he knows everything but spews absolute shit. If you are from a prestigious university, around a year or more of experience, are used to 'delegating' and tell your friends you do very important shit... you probably are the twat in in question. 

6. The Person Who Takes Kickbacks

These kinds are everywhere and I have usually found them moving up the corporate ladder faster than the rest. They make money from awarding projects to vendors at a higher cost but move up because their jobs usually get done on time bu at a higher cost. 

I'm sure I have forgotten a great many idiots... but these are the big ones, I know they exist and have learned how to manipulate them. The technique is simple, when emailing these morons, write clear, precise and very singe meaning sentences and learn to use the BCC tab.

Regards,

Z

4 Realities Of The Working Man/Woman

I don't have too much work experience compared to many people I know (and work for) but I have done my fair share of switching. I have floated, consulted, been employed, worked for myself and even been unemployed.

Over all of this change and turmoil in my life there are certain truths that I have learned, the hard way, about the working world. I wanted to share these truths with the world.

1. The grass is NOT greener on the other side:

People tend to want to switch their existing job because they are unhappy with their current place. They look to other companies in an effort to find happiness, the truth is, it's not there! Have a look at the people who are already there, do they seem happy? In almost all cases, no one is happy where they are, nor will you find happiness. Keep it simple, work for the highest paymasters.

2. EVERY employer lies to you:

If you are expecting your boss to be truthful, you  are dumber than you look. They will lie, cheat and cajole you to get what they want from you. False promises are a truth of life when it comes to employers and bosses. Deal with it, if you can't do anything about it. The best way around it is to get it in writing, that way at least you can embarrass the fucker when the time comes.

3. Bullshitters ALWAYS have the better deal:

The game is simple, the better the bullshitter you are the higher and faster you will rise. It has nothing to do with intelligence or ability to deliver, all you need is a golden tongue. My gut feel is, people (read management) believes that if you are performing a function well you are more valuable performing that function yourself and the guy that does not perform it well, well... you do the math.

4. You will NEVER have a work life balance:

Every place of employment will take as much out of you as they possibly can without causing liability to themselves. Unless you join the government, you will almost certainly have a 12 hour workday, leaving no time for the myth you call 'life'.

I won't depress you too much and leave it at just these core four!

Anjoy!

Z