Hey There Beautiful!

This post is an open letter to all my lovely ladies. This includes everyone, my friends, ex-es, colleagues, crushes and an assortment of different relations. In short, if you are a woman, this is for you.

I am sure most of my male buddies have my back on this but there are some truths that need to be told. The following list is stuff I've been dying to say to women but due to certain situations, I did not and it also contains stuff I have been harping on to certain women but for some stupid reason you just can't get it through your thick skulls. Now I am putting it all into writing, so read on for the good and the bad:

1. Life is NOT a fairy tale! There is NO knight in shining armour, no prince charming who will sweep you off your feet, and mirrors don't tell you that you are the fairest in the land and luckily for you they cant laugh either! Get on a Treadmill!!
2. When I tell you you look gorgeous in that dumass dress, trust me! I know my shit, I spend a lot of time staring at chicks to know this crap!
3. Some of my luscious friends with all the right curves in the right places, think they are fat. When you tell me you think you are fat, you give me an excuse to look at those perfect curves. And I get a free pass to imagine you naked that is why I zoned out! Not because I was articulating an untruthful answer! Take it as a compliment! Those curves are awesome!!!
4. For the last time! Clothes do not make you ass look fat!! Your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat!! Treadmill!!
5. If you are not fat, you'll look awesome even in pyjamas! Trust me and stop fidgeting about it! The 'fidgeting about it' is unsexy!
6. Stop assuming your other half is a pig! He is a good man and is committing to you!
7. If you are wondering why you are still single, think back was there a dude you were rude to just because. Yes? Well I hate to break it to you, but, you have a reputation as a bitch. Yup, news travels fast in Manland and we are freaked about rejection, you let a dude down hard. That's YOUR fault! Deal with it and be NICE! No one likes a self righteous bitch anyway!
8. Sometimes we like to pamper you just for the heck of it, that new dress is not an apology for some horrible thing we are not telling you about! Calm the fuck down!
9. Shave your legs! We notice and gauge your overall hygiene by your feet! That carpet on your legs is just 'ick'. Maybe that's why you've never been on a second date or on a first one! Gillette Mach 3 will do!
10. Contrary to your opinion we do love you the way you are! 'nuff said!
11. Your insecurity is the biggest turnoff you have
12. Please do not pressure me into doing you a favour that I am not comfortable with, your job is your job. Do it the fuck yourself! Having boobs does not get you a pass! This attitude always results in a reputation for you!

Please don't be offended by any of the above. There are probably more but I'm going to club them into other topics. Use my honesty as an opportunity to grow!

We love no matter what!

Cheers,

Z

The Religion Called Cricket

Dear friends and countrymen,

Pakistan lost to India in the world cup semi final. I cried when Misbah was caught out, it was the nail in an inevitable coffin that me and my friend Danial saw coming when we exchanged a glance at the fall of Afridi's wicket, with a barely noticeable nod. I saw a nation in stunned silence! No one believed it, how could we lose?

For thirty short days, leading up to a climax of 8 sort hours, a nation that has been divided by our own insecurities became one. We all had one identity, we were no longer mohajirs, pathans, punjabis etc we were all Pakistanis, we bled and cried the colour green. It was a feeling of one-ness that our leaders have failed spectacularly to bring us. Afridi and the boys, actually achieved the impossible. They united us, briefly, but united us. It is a feeling I already miss. It is because of that feeling that we have been gentle with the team.

Conspiracy theories started flowing in and I'm still hearing a new one every day. It gives new meaning to the idiom, "jitnay moun, utni baatain" (many mouths, as many stories). I've heard them all, from simple match fixing, to God punishing us for letting Raymond Davis go.

Quite frankly, I've had it. No one seems to be saying that India just played better. The batting lineups were evenly matched, so were the bowling lineups. It was a clash of equals, titans. But, please notice Pakistan gave away 18 extras, India just gave away 2. Pakistan dropped 6 catches, India dropped none.

Discipline was the only difference between the teams. India just did one thing right... they played like professionals. If Pakistan had held on to the balls hit their way and not given away so many wides and no balls, Pakistan would have cruised to a victory. India just played better cricket. Their team had more experienced players in Tendulkar and Sehwag, men who know how not to crack under pressure.

The point is they MUST be doing something right. Even if it is fixing a match or two without getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

It's hight time we put all the conspiracy theories to rest. The clearly have not been working for us at all. We need to figure out what India is doing right as a nation, and we need to figure out how to beat them at it instead of just pointing fingers. We as a nation need to stop with the bullshit and do our jobs. The cleaner needs to clean the best way possible, the policeman needs to start policing and honouring his oath, the executive need to execute with dignity, the politician needs to do his own job. In short we need to start being honest with our professions and stop looking for someone to blame.

It is very simple when you look at it, we need to do the task awarded to us with honour. No two ways about it, we need to start owning up to our own flaws and start taking on the world. Only then will we be able to bring home the gold, not just in cricket, but in every field.

Afridi was the one who led me to this realization, the team reignited my love for cricket (with a little help from Danial). I don't blame the team for losing and I congratulate every Indian for the win. Your team played like a unit, and it was a well deserved win. To the Pakistani team, I say you united the nation behind you, however, there is no column for 'moral victory', either you win or you lose. This time you lost, but we are expecting the trophy in Karachi in 2015. Time to shake it off, figure out what went wrong and make sure that it never goes wrong again.

Please win the upcoming T20 world cup, I want the high you gave me again, and don't forget to take India to the cleaners in 2012!

Go Greens!

Z

Guide To Using Facebook

1. The first commandment of facebook: thou shalt not steal status updates!
2. The second commandment of facebook: Liking thy own status makes thee super lame!
3. The third commandment of facebook: thou shalt not tag cool people to make thy lame profile seem cool! It makes thee a loser!
4. The fourth commandment of facebook: thou shalt not beg for comments and likes! It makes thee super desperate!
5. The fifth commandment of facebook: thou shalt not cyber stalk thy neighbour's wife!
6. The sixth commandment of facebook: Thou shalt not tag chicks in every lame picture of thyself!
7. The seventh commandment of facebook: thou shalt not use the words "I wanna have friendship with you" in an attempt to have more chicks in thy friends list!!
8. The eighth commandment of facebook: thou shalt not update your status after every minute! No one careth if thou has eaten an apple!!
9. The ninth commandment of facebook: thou shalt not use facebook to keep tabs on thy ex-es! Thou shalt get a life!!
10. The tenth commandment of facebook: thou shalt not copy paste famous quotes and utilize them as status updates!!
11. The eleventh and final commandment of facebook: thou shalt stop abusing facebook and get back to work!!

How To Respect A Man And His Car

Being the owner of a car, I end up driving people around a lot. It's not that I mind, but, sometimes I wish people would just respect my ride. It's not any one's fault there is no rule book for the passenger, so, here is the rule book for all passengers in the car.

Before you start reading the rules, I need to give you a background. It is estimated that 80% of all drivers are men and most of these men have unusual relationships with their cars. The reason is that a car is an expensive piece of machinery he has probably bought with his hard earned money. The driver's seat is a sanctuary, where he is in control, unopposed, unrestricted. There is an emotional bond that even the car owner cannot understand, that's just the way things are.

Rule 1: The car is not a garbage bin

This is something most people do unconsciously since, our parents never taught us to use a proper garbage can, so we have no idea what to do with a rolled up tissue in our hand. Any owner of a car will tell you that it is very annoying to find pieces of trash on the floor. So, be respectful and throw it out of the window, if in case you are too environment conscious and do not want to pollute the planet any further, put the trash in your pocket. In summation, the guy giving you a lift probably spends time and money to keep his car clean, under no circumstances do YOU, the passenger, have any right to litter.

Rule 2: Ask permission before lighting up

Most men smoke or have attempted to smoke at some point in their lives, it's nothing to be ashamed of. However, when you decide to light up in someone else's car ask permission first. Even if the guy giving you a lift is a smoker and does smoke in his own car, you should ask if you are initiating the smoking ritual. You don't have to go through this ritual if the owner lights up first.

Rule 3: Roll up the windows when getting out

Some driver do not have or prefer not to use the air conditioning device, they usually roll down the window. If you are encountered with such a driver, feel free to roll down the window for the duration of your journey, but, always keep in mind that when you get out of the car it is YOUR responsibility to roll your window back up, unless he specifically asks you not to. You don't even need to take out any extra time, just roll it up when on the approach to the final destination.

Rule 4: Until further notice, the car you are sitting in is flawless

Women specifically have this habit, it's not a good one and is extremely disrespectful. You should never, under any circumstances point out any flaws in the car. As mentioned above, men are emotionally involved with their vehicles, so, being a nice person he'll probably not respond to your maligning of his beloved car. It is as if someone started saying bad things about you to your face. Whatever the condition of the car, it's still more than you have and he is the one doing you a favour by letting you into his intimate space, respect him and his car.

Rule 5: Do not fiddle with the cool looking buttons

There is a reason the designers of the car you are freeloading in angled the entire cockpit to accommodate the driver and not you. All those really cool looking buttons serve a purpose in the control and maintenance of the car, believe it or not, drivers set all those buttons to an adjustment that allows them to control their car. When you have the urge to change the settings of the air conditioning, just ask him to do it for you or ask permission first. Sometimes having the air conditioning on makes the car move slower, because the air conditioner drains power that would be better utilized in getting you to your desired destination. There is nothing evil about pushing a button, but, give your friend some basic respect and ask him first.

Rule 6: Backseat driving is inhumane

Dads and women(wives included) have this problem. Dads just never trust their sons but women(wives excluded) have no reason. Barking out orders to switch lanes, overtake or even slow down is the quickest way to be never allowed in the vehicle again. You will notice next time he will start making excuses so he does not have to give you a lift next time. I even know some men who have asked people to get out of the vehicle for attempting to take the reins. Always remember that when driving, the man in the driver's seat is in control, you should never attempt to move in on his control. Sit back, relax and let him drive, everything will flow much smoother.

Rule 7: Navigators should have a route plan

This is just simply an oversight even drivers make even when taking a lift from a friend. It is not easy to make turns on a whim when momentum and traffic are working against you. So, if you are navigating a route that the driver does not know it is always a good idea to let him know at least 100 meters ahead of time when he needs to make a turn so he can switch lanes, speed up or slow down to make an accident free turn. It is even more annoying when you ask him to take his car to a place where cars are not meant to go like crowded markets, narrow streets or bear tracks. Let him know before hand what he is getting into and chances are he'll ask you for a route that is most suited to him and his car and you can navigate that route.

Rule 8: The car and driver are not yours to command

Keep this in mind every time you get a lift from every one, like a bus does not go out of the way so you can get off in your living room, your friend is not bound by any law to late you right to the gate of your house or the burger joint you are suddenly having a craving for. It takes time, effort, money and patience to drive a car and drivers are usually at the end of their reserves by the time you park your freeloading butt in passenger seat. He bought the car for his convenience not yours, keep that in mind next time you decide that you want to go somewhere else. It is a lot like backseat driving, it becomes a burden very very quickly.

Rule 9: The driver saw it before you!

Another offshoot of backseat driving is when you are too much of a coward, let me explain. God decided to put eyes on the front of the drivers head and a windshield on the front of the car. Your friend who is kind enough to give you a lift is looking ahead and has already seen the guy cross the road and adjusted his driving accordingly. You provide no help by gasping or (in some cases) squealing like a little girl and pointing out what he has already seen. Most, if not all, drivers make such calculations in the fraction of a second before you ever notice anything. Trust your friend to know what he is doing and just chill.

Rule 10: The dash board and seat are not footrests!

If you are one of those people who have this habit, you have probably been reprimanded or even thrown out of a moving vehicle. Putting your feet up may seem more comfortable to you, especially if you need access to your toes for nail polish and assorted cosmetic treatments, but, it is the highest form of disrespect you can display to a car and its owner. Even the shyest driver will draw the line at seeing your foot on his seat. Never, under any circumstance, place your feet on the dashboard or the seat. Be respectful and keep your smelly feet firmly planted on the floor.

Drive Safe,

Z

Burger vs Bun Kabab

In terms of men:

Burger: A man who dresses in latest, flamboyant, fashions in an attempt to look like a rockstar but ends up looking like a wierdo. Talks in english, drives a daddy gifted vehicle and hangs out with groups of males who share his thaughts and cosiders them a band or gang but have never been in an altercation in his life. Commonly known in the "awami" as a "wannabe" this kind of male is the one you normally find purchasing female colours (pink, red with flowers, yellow etc) for his "eastern" attire. He hangs out at the high end eating joints and fast food outlets and considers all other places a health hazard (mamas boy). He uses his car to get even the shortest of distance and the only time he sees the inside of a mosque is oneid when someone forced him to go

Bun Kabab: A scruffy, jeans t shirt wearing, tea drinking, cigarette smoking, dal chawal eating, dude who will have no qualms with wherever he hangs out and whatever he eats as long as he enjyos the company he's with (be it of the fairer sex) dude who uses phrases like "abbay yaar" , "oye", "dhakkan", "topi", "kia set bachi hai yaar!" etc. Most probably does not shave for days on end and has no problem referring to himself as a "maila"


In terms of women:

Burger: A fashionable woman who speks perpetually in "minglish" uses words like "acually" and "like" more than they need to be. She like to spend her free time at any location with a shop in it whether just to browse or shop. He bargains over things she does not intend to buy, and buys things she doe not need just because they are on sale. She does not miss out on a chance to admire her reflection in the mirror and is constantly talking about how fat she is getting but knows the she is not. She is extraordinarily demanding of all men, be it fiance's, husbands, brothers, fathers and random retailers and makes unreasonable requests like Agha's fresh juice when on the way to the airport and gets mad when the request is denied. Her makeup kit consits of items that i am not qualified to comprehend, and gets fussy about her wardrobe because "fine" is apparently not good enough and thye ENORMOUS wardrobe never seems to contain anything wearable. She normally dresses in exquisitely feminine colours and no matter what seems to end up looking fabulous.

Bun Kabab: Never seen one, never heard of one, not even sure they exist!

Life Sucks... So What Else Is New?

Have you ever read Murphy's Law? It clearly states, if anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway!

In my belief this sentence puts this entire universe into perspective. Think about it for a little bit. Whenever you go to a market to buy an commodity item, whether it is a gold ring for the love of your life, steel for the house you've always wanted to build even if you are just in the mood to eat some chicken... how many times have you heard the sentence "Bhai, mandi charhee huee hai!" (the prices are high).

Does the "Mandi" come down at any time? The answer is yes. The "Mandi" will only come down when you are going to sell something that cost you a bomb. This is Murphy's Law in effect.

How can we forget mishaps on the road, not just accidents, have you ever noticed that roads get closed due to VIP movement only when you are in danger of missing you flight. How many times has your car shut down right in the centre of the road during rush hour, you try your level best to start it, to no avail, you push it to the side with no help from any of the morons staring at you in their mirrors as if you have committed a grave injustice to them just by being born. Now that you are late getting to where ever you were going, you call a mechanic, he charges a bomb just for showing up two hours later, asks you what the problem is, you define the entire story of how it shut down. He turns the key and voila! She starts! Now you get to pay the mechanic.

How many times have you had an embarrassing fall when everyone was watching? How many times have you had a picture taken with a goofy expression on your face? How many times have you lost something you needed urgently to find it in the most obvious location when the need is gone?

The point being, Murphy's Law is more applicable than the law of gravity and here's an insight, there is no way around it. Many of the optimists (read:denialists) would argue that you should prepare for all these eventualities and you would be right in thinking so... we should. But Mr. Murphy found a snag in that theory too: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

That's right children! It's law number one all over again.

People call me a pessimist and call it a cliche when I tell them I'm just being real. If the universe is not actively trying to kill us in elaborate an new ways, how do you explain the state of the world. I'm not just talking of people killing each other, do you know how many people die due to lightening strikes?

It has been this bad since time began. So in conclusion: Accept the truth, the universe will always find a way to fuck you. There is no escaping it, just lube up and bend over.