Corporate Stooges

There are some harsh realities when you live and work in the environment that I live in. To be specific, I am a marketer who has worked in advertising agencies and on the brand side and am currently in the latter.

When I was in university, I had some romantic notions about what the working world would be like, and after hard experience, I learned certain things that I have just managed to accept and use to my advantage. In case you are wondering, I have just admitted to playing dirty politics with the leeches of the corporate world, but, I am still (almost) humane with those less powerful.

I want  to share my cynical outlet with the Internet, even if no one is reading.

Just a disclaimer before I begin, if I have worked with you and you feel shame or outrage while reading the following it's because you are guilty of something.

1. There will always be someone trying to take credit for your work:

This might be a boss or more likely someone from a parallel department who will claim credit and acclaim for work you did and some will go as far as to putting your accomplishments in their resume. I have viewed certain profiles on linked in of people who have put down my work as their accomplishment. These people have bullshit coming out of 2 holes and one day given the right circumstances, I will expose them, out of pure spite.

2. People who claim benefits based on your work:

I have worked with people in the past who have gotten raises and promotions for work that I did. I can literally name the people and the work that they copy pasted, reformatted and presented as their own hard work. It happens a few times not a lot, but the hate and the hurt has always stuck with me. Some of my optimistic friends tell me to look on the bright side and understand that I am THAT good. But, it makes me want to set their car on fire.

3. Someone is always trying to throw you under the bus:

Yes, be on the lookout, there is someone in your department who does shoddy paperwork, works mostly on verbal agreements. Look around, you'll notice that person, the more clandestine they think they are the more obvious the become. Thank heavens that no one has been able to throw me under the bus because of the previous bosses I have had that have stuck up for me and have taught me the value of a clearly drafted email. They are out there, be as fucking careful as you can be.

4. Red Tapers

You have probably run into one of these, it is probably a middle aged guy most likely in your finance department who is used to maintaining accounts on registers by hand. MS Excel, SAP and Oracle etc are their worst nightmares. To feel relevant, they make you run around getting printouts signed original papers and still do everything by hand. They are a dying breed, I am patient because they will die out soon!

5. The Useless Fucks

Most likely has an MBA from a prestigious university, talks like he knows everything but spews absolute shit. If you are from a prestigious university, around a year or more of experience, are used to 'delegating' and tell your friends you do very important shit... you probably are the twat in in question. 

6. The Person Who Takes Kickbacks

These kinds are everywhere and I have usually found them moving up the corporate ladder faster than the rest. They make money from awarding projects to vendors at a higher cost but move up because their jobs usually get done on time bu at a higher cost. 

I'm sure I have forgotten a great many idiots... but these are the big ones, I know they exist and have learned how to manipulate them. The technique is simple, when emailing these morons, write clear, precise and very singe meaning sentences and learn to use the BCC tab.

Regards,

Z

4 Realities Of The Working Man/Woman

I don't have too much work experience compared to many people I know (and work for) but I have done my fair share of switching. I have floated, consulted, been employed, worked for myself and even been unemployed.

Over all of this change and turmoil in my life there are certain truths that I have learned, the hard way, about the working world. I wanted to share these truths with the world.

1. The grass is NOT greener on the other side:

People tend to want to switch their existing job because they are unhappy with their current place. They look to other companies in an effort to find happiness, the truth is, it's not there! Have a look at the people who are already there, do they seem happy? In almost all cases, no one is happy where they are, nor will you find happiness. Keep it simple, work for the highest paymasters.

2. EVERY employer lies to you:

If you are expecting your boss to be truthful, you  are dumber than you look. They will lie, cheat and cajole you to get what they want from you. False promises are a truth of life when it comes to employers and bosses. Deal with it, if you can't do anything about it. The best way around it is to get it in writing, that way at least you can embarrass the fucker when the time comes.

3. Bullshitters ALWAYS have the better deal:

The game is simple, the better the bullshitter you are the higher and faster you will rise. It has nothing to do with intelligence or ability to deliver, all you need is a golden tongue. My gut feel is, people (read management) believes that if you are performing a function well you are more valuable performing that function yourself and the guy that does not perform it well, well... you do the math.

4. You will NEVER have a work life balance:

Every place of employment will take as much out of you as they possibly can without causing liability to themselves. Unless you join the government, you will almost certainly have a 12 hour workday, leaving no time for the myth you call 'life'.

I won't depress you too much and leave it at just these core four!

Anjoy!

Z

Please don't label me a man. A request by a Man!

Working in advertising, I deal with advertisers and marketers who have their own misconstrued and twisted notions on who women are and how they behave. But, something I recently realized, everyone has their own notions and cliches in their heads about men.

Be warned, when I say men, I mean men, not little boys in college or university who are yet to deal with the problems and pressures of the real world.

I would like to set the record straight, at least about me. Following you will find the leading misconceptions people have about me, and probably, other MEN.

1. All I think and talk about are women:

This is an absolute fallacy, my life is way to complicated and has too many moving parts to dedicate a major portion of brain power and conversation about random women. I have bills to worry about, the next career move, family, friends, favours I need and favours I need to do. Maybe once or twice a month will I find the time with a good friend where we will have a brief discussion about women, but that is rarely of a sexual nature.

2. I can't be 'just friends' with a woman:

Seriously. Even some of my guy friends have accused me of this. A few of my best friends are women and I don't want to have any designs with them. Call it the male version of the friend zone, but its there. If there is a woman I don't want to be 'just friends' with I won't be friends with her.

3. When I say that I'll do something, I'll do it immediately:

Haven't you ever heard of getting the existing job done first? Or should I just drop everything and run your stupid errand?

4. That all I want is a pencil thin woman with huge knockers:

Another stupid cliche that only little boys have. Obviously I am not attracted to fat women, and before you judge men, adjust your own definition of fat, but understand the fact that all I want is a REAL woman, not a barbie doll.

5. That I am not complicated:

I too have dreams, nightmares, fears and desires just like you. I bury my insecurities under layers of protection so the world can't poke at it. I have my own hang ups and if I say 'no' to you I have reasons I don't want to share. Try analyzing that!

6. That I over think stuff because I'm stuck up:

That is possibly the dumbest thing people have confronted me with. "You think you are better than everyone else", a direct quote. I over think because I want to be sure of what is happening, I used to be a leap before looking kind of guy a decade ago, I grew up since then as that approach blew up in my face. I over think because I am unsure, I want to be sure! It is my insecurity, YES, my insecurity, I have no other choice.

7. I am constantly available to do whatever it is the fuck you want from me:

NO!

8. I am emotionally distant:

I am a diagnosed sociopath. I do have trouble dealing with complicated emotions. There, after all these years, I finally said it. If I don't feel your pain, it's because I take time processing 'empathy', that is ME... if you judge me for it, that's your problem.

9. I think about sex every 7 seconds:

Refer to point 1.

10: If you have a personal agenda, I can't tell:

Seriously, everyone who thinks that, needs a huge reality check. Ever notice how my tone changes or my interest level deteriorates. I'm being polite. Don't ever assume I don't know what you are up to. I'll be specific here, people who come to me for "advice" or "help" on "their own" projects but want me to do their job for them. It's always pretty obvious.



These are just a few things that popped to mind. As time goes along I'm sure I'll do a version 2 of this.

Until then,

Cheers,

Z

28 Things To Do Before I Die

Dear All,

This is an open letter to all those who love me and whom I hold in slightly high regard.


I was doing a bit of cleaning in my room today and I came across a document written in my own handwriting titled "29 Things To Do Before I Die". I dont know when I wrote this, how I wrote this, if I copied it from somewhere or I was just feeling immensely full of life.


I almost cried when I read it, and I have decided that before the decade is done I will do each and every one of these things on the list. I would like all those close to me to make sure I follow through. You can also join me.


Without further ado,

1. Learn to fly
2. Donate a month's salary to charity
3. Climb a mountain alone
4. Buy a piece of original art
5. Do a good deed anonymously
6. Laugh everyday
7. Run a marathon
8. Visit every continent
9. Feel the need to write love poetry
10. Surprise someone by telling them how I feel
11. Cry with happiness
12. Meet a leader of a country
13. Start a trip without any idea of the destination
14. Give a child a home
15. Sleep under the stars
16. Leap before I look
17. Defend a principle at a personal cost
18. Make a speech that changes someone's life
19. Be a best friend to more than one person
20. Meditate
21. Be present at the birth of anything
22. Love as though there is no tomorrow
23. Forgive someone who does not deserve it
24. Work for myself
25. Resign using lots of swear words
26. See the northern lights
27. Travel in a fighter jet
28. Swim with a dolphin
29. Go aboard naval destroyer

The ones I have done are underlined and number 29, has been done thanks to one of my great friends Saadia Qayyum who will probably never read this post. Follow her on twitter @SaadiaQayyum 


Here's hoping for an interesting decade!


Cheers,


Z

Rise of The Puppies!

People have continuously been asking me what is up with my hate of puppies. For those who don't know what I am on about, I had been posting the term "Kill a Puppy" as the solution to all of life's problems. It's time to spill the beans behind my hate of the puppies.

Where it came from:

I had just arrived from a Lahore business trip, the flight had been delayed almost an hour which meant that I got home round 2 am and for some reason, I went in to a horrid mood! That mood continued into the next morning. While driving in that atrocious mood I saw a puppy sitting in the middle of the road, so I thought to myself, "Can I cure my mood by driving over that puppy?" Hence began the "Kill a Puppy" trail. And before I start getting hate calls and messages, no puppies were harmed in the process!

There was no actual rationale behind entire trail but a morbid sense of humour. Yes! I have one of those and I am not ashamed of it! But there are some things I inadvertently learned during this escapade which I'm sure you will get a kick out of.

1. People who have pictures of puppies on their display pictures don't see any humour in it. I know that this one is kind of obvious but being threatened with hell for slaughtering a puppy is a real threat.
2. Advertising teasers can run longer: Since there was no campaign after my death to the puppies thing, the thing to note was the level of interest in the entire thing. So, if my advertising colleagues want to run a teaser campaign for a brand they can go far beyond the recommended 3 days, but, you need to make sure that the "shock and awe" value needs to be equivalent of threatening a cute cuddly little creature with a horrible and bloody death!
3. Women's masturbation is called killing a puppy! This was actually new to me and some interesting information someone pointed out over twitter. So, ladies, kill away!
4. Social paradox of language and imagery. On facebook and twitter we have two kinds of people, Urdu speakers and English speakers. The word 'puppy' is an English word that evokes images of a cute cuddly creature that you want to care for and love, and threatening it with death is an unimaginable crime. On the other hand if you use the term "Kuttay kay bachay ko maar do" (Literal translation of kill a puppy in Urdu) no one gives a crap!
5. Zardari all the way! I admit, I should have seen this one coming, anything related to dogs and immediately someone will make a Zardari quip!
6. If you let out your dark side, someone else will too! People admitted to prior situations where they actually killed or ended up hurting an animal. It's a side everyone has and we all need to respect our dark sides. No judgement here, I love you all for who you are, you can share with me because I understand! Nuff said!
7. Animal rights groups in the country are surprisingly inactive! Yes we do have animal rights groups in Pakistan!
8. People have filthy minds! We all know this and I just wanted to say it again, almost everyone at one point mistook the word "puppy" for "pappi" (which means 'kiss' in Urdu). Again, no judgements!

I hope you enjoyed the uselessness of this entire exercise! For those who know me, after Antonio, this was the most fun I had on social media!

Cheers,

Z

PS: Kill a puppy!

Drive Time

I believe I have spent 2 years in terms of time in the driving seat of a car over the decade and a half of driving, and over these years I believe I have become wise in the ways of shaving time when it comes from getting from point A to point B.

I decided to put them up on the internet so I don't forget when I become senile or (and this is more likely) I hire a driver.

Following are some of the techniques I have found that are spectacularly effective when it comes to saving time while commuting to work.

Technique 1: Knowledge is power:

This is perhaps the most critical technique of all, you need to know the the route you are travelling. Each and every road has its own traffic patterns depending upon how it is built for instance U-turns have a high chance of vehicles moving at a snails pace in an attempt to make a turn, this usually happens on the fast lane. You need to know where each such obstruction is and plan a lane switch far in advance.

Be ready to make lane switches depending upon all obstructions, whether its a pot hole, U-turn or even a know thaila stand.

Technique 2: Sometimes the shortest distance is NOT a straight line:

When traversing long distances, the conventional wisdom is to take the shortest possible distance in order to save time. In some cases this is not true. You need to choose a route that has traffic moving at a higher momentum. This is usually a very long route but the question you need answer ultimately is do you want to save time or fuel.

I take a route to work that adds an additional 3 Kms to my commute, but I also save 10 minutes. The reason for this is people generally avoid known long routes leaving them empty so you can cover them quicker avoiding traffic congestion.

Technique 3: Know your side streets

On certain roads at certain times there is only one alternative, get off the road. This is where your homework will come in handy, figure out which side street is open and where it goes. If a road is clogged for miles, your only hope to keep moving are the side streets. this will require some proir recon or you can take the risk of following another driver who enters a sidestreet and hope he knows what he's doing. This is a double edged sword, the driver ahead might be going to his own home or he could lead you out.

Technique 4: Do NOT run a red light!

In high traffic situations this might end up wasting your own precious time and the time of others. When there is a LOT of traffic, you need to wait for the signal to turn, hoping you might skid through at the last second when the light turns red, will land you in another jam. The traffic that just had their signal opened are also in a hurry, you will end up becoming the idiot that blocks their right of way and someone will block your so you will become stuck again. Please respect the singals and the traffic wardens, their job is hard enough as it is. You will infact save time and sanity if you are simply patient.

Technique 5: Give an inch, gain a mile

This call is not taken often enough by motorists. In situations where there is traffic coming from multiple directions and there is no traffic warden or signal, typically in sidestreets, people try to get their own car through which just creates a mesh of bonnet to bonnet cars who cant go anywhere and end up blocking everyone for hours. Take this call and wait, ask the driver net to you to do the same, in situations like these all that is needed is to show a little patience and let one direction of traffic clear, and you are home free.

Technique 6: Eyes front!

Be aware of the traffic ahead of you and know which kinds of vehicles are in your lane, for instance if you see a big trwaler in your lane, even if it is moving fast, it might be best if you move out from behind it early because laden tucks do not move too fast.

Technique 7: Know what to get stuck behind

There are certain vehicles that will always find their way in a heavy traffic situation like ambulances and police cars, however, sometimes you will be faces with an odd choice if you are traversing an industrial area. You may see two vehicles ahead of you that are the same type of heavy trucks, one laden and one empty. This is just pointing out the obvious but move behind the unladen truck. The reason is simple, the laden one is pulling a very heavy load but the unladen one has just a powerful engine and is surprisingly nimble without the load to an extent you will be surprised by it in a drag race. Pick the empty truck over the laden one anyday!

Technique 8: Listen to the radio

Another obvious one, but, tune into a radio station that gives regular traffic updates even if it means listening to crappy songs you cant stand. This will provide you with vital intelligence on which route to take. It is upto you to decide how to use the information.

An unseen benefit of this habit is you may learn of a jam well in advance, and so will other drivers. If you have a sufficient amount of time between acquiring the report and arriving on the 'jammed' road, it may be wise to take the route on which the jam is reported, why, you ask. The reason is simple, other divers heard the same news and are also avoiding that route which will alleviate the pressure on that route and divert it elsewhere, you may just find an unjammed road if you get there with an enough of a delay. For me this works around 70% of the time. But, you need to make your call yourself.

Technique 9: Experiment with time

Sometimes leaving home at a later time will help you get to the office on time. try leaving earlier or later and see which time avoids you the major traffic, for instance, your actual route migh be 15 minutes which is extended to 45 minutes because of traffic congestion. You might leave the house at 8:15 in order to get to the office at 9 allowing for the congestion, try leaving at 8:40 once in a while and see how you fare with different traffic conditions, believe me, you WILL find an optimum time to leave which is the quickest for you. And remember, being 30 minutes early to the office won't kill anyone if it means leaving very early to avoid traffic.

Happy Driving! And let me know your techniques!

Cheers,

Z

Hey There Beautiful!

This post is an open letter to all my lovely ladies. This includes everyone, my friends, ex-es, colleagues, crushes and an assortment of different relations. In short, if you are a woman, this is for you.

I am sure most of my male buddies have my back on this but there are some truths that need to be told. The following list is stuff I've been dying to say to women but due to certain situations, I did not and it also contains stuff I have been harping on to certain women but for some stupid reason you just can't get it through your thick skulls. Now I am putting it all into writing, so read on for the good and the bad:

1. Life is NOT a fairy tale! There is NO knight in shining armour, no prince charming who will sweep you off your feet, and mirrors don't tell you that you are the fairest in the land and luckily for you they cant laugh either! Get on a Treadmill!!
2. When I tell you you look gorgeous in that dumass dress, trust me! I know my shit, I spend a lot of time staring at chicks to know this crap!
3. Some of my luscious friends with all the right curves in the right places, think they are fat. When you tell me you think you are fat, you give me an excuse to look at those perfect curves. And I get a free pass to imagine you naked that is why I zoned out! Not because I was articulating an untruthful answer! Take it as a compliment! Those curves are awesome!!!
4. For the last time! Clothes do not make you ass look fat!! Your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat!! Treadmill!!
5. If you are not fat, you'll look awesome even in pyjamas! Trust me and stop fidgeting about it! The 'fidgeting about it' is unsexy!
6. Stop assuming your other half is a pig! He is a good man and is committing to you!
7. If you are wondering why you are still single, think back was there a dude you were rude to just because. Yes? Well I hate to break it to you, but, you have a reputation as a bitch. Yup, news travels fast in Manland and we are freaked about rejection, you let a dude down hard. That's YOUR fault! Deal with it and be NICE! No one likes a self righteous bitch anyway!
8. Sometimes we like to pamper you just for the heck of it, that new dress is not an apology for some horrible thing we are not telling you about! Calm the fuck down!
9. Shave your legs! We notice and gauge your overall hygiene by your feet! That carpet on your legs is just 'ick'. Maybe that's why you've never been on a second date or on a first one! Gillette Mach 3 will do!
10. Contrary to your opinion we do love you the way you are! 'nuff said!
11. Your insecurity is the biggest turnoff you have
12. Please do not pressure me into doing you a favour that I am not comfortable with, your job is your job. Do it the fuck yourself! Having boobs does not get you a pass! This attitude always results in a reputation for you!

Please don't be offended by any of the above. There are probably more but I'm going to club them into other topics. Use my honesty as an opportunity to grow!

We love no matter what!

Cheers,

Z