A Chauvinist's View On Women

Back when I was a young dude and dated like a stud, I made a list of things that ticked me off about my various dates. To be fair, I have significantly matured since then and my dating life has become non-existent, the reasons of which will become more obvious when you read the list.

Anjoy, and don't hate me!

1. Please do not start eating from my plate without permission, I just bought you your own damn plate of, very expensive food, for a reason!
2. Don't force me to eat what you don't want to eat!
3. Be on time, it's just plain good manners
4. Pick up the bloody phone on time! Someone literally could be dying!
5. Stop calling ever 12.7 seconds!
6. We don't WANT to know ANYTHING about your troubled life of fight with a friend... We actually couldn't give a crap! Just make small talk or listen to us ramble!
7. Contrary to your opinion... anything in our lives is not about you!
8. Do not, under any circumstance, diss the car! Do that and we will, for sure, tell you that you look fat in every dress you wear
9. When another woman has a better ass than you, we'll take a peek, no big deal
10. The ability to use the word 'f**k' does not count as dirty talk
11. Lesbian chicks are cool... stop saying otherwise
12. When all boys are the same, why do women assume the dude they are out with is somehow different and looking for a 'platonic' relationship

Before you show up at my house with pitchforks and torches, these are the ramblings of a younger me. Please don't murder me!

Regards,

Z

Words I Take Issue With

There are certain words that have become part of regular vocabulary due to social media. I have some issues with some of these words which are listed as below.

Haters: 

Urban Dictionary defines haters as "A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person". Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that the definition of a classical asshole? Why not just call them assholes... it seems a way more satisfying word.

Nerd:

I don't have an issue with the word nerd per se but more with the people referring to themselves as nerds. Most people referring to themselves as nerds have no interest in math, science or literature but have just watched a season of 'Game of Thrones' or the 'Avengers' moves. I have friends who do have an interest in math, science and literature and have religiously read books and comic books, and most of the modern day 'nerds' think of these people as losers... I don't understand how that happened.

SWAG:

What does that even mean. Like, seriously, what qualifies as swag? Do I have swag if I wear a bitchin suit or do i need to wear over sized clothes and make gang signs? What on earth is swag?

Twerking:

Urban Dictionary defines it as "when a girls' ass moves like a bowl of Jell-O". I know it was made famous by Miley Cyrus (I may be wrong), but then why are there vines of men doing it? Didn't the great philosophers of the previous decade refer to this act as the 'Booty Shakin'? 

YOLO:

It stands for 'You Only Live Once', which is in interesting acronym but every time I search for YOLO on the YouTube there are videos of high pitched teenage voices screaming the term before doing something that gets them hurt or arrested. They don't even do the cool kind of stuff like skateboard tricks or bike jumps, they usually do something really stupid like jump off a roof onto a tennis ball. Do all YOLO-ers have some sort of brain damage that impairs their ability to predict pain or an impending criminal record?

Emo:

I searched the internet for a definition of the word I read a lot on buzz feed but I cant find a definition that I can comprehend, mostly has something to do with 'punk' music which is not exactly 'punk'. Google images show me pictures of attractive women with blue hair. Is 'emo' a lifestyle? a fashion sense? a kind of music? an animal? an animal? It does seem whatever an 'emo' is, it is overly emotional to the point of being a pussy... the adjective not the noun... 

Beliebers:

What an unfortunate thing to admit in public, like syphilis.

Hipsters:

Here's how I define hipsters, a large group of people who reject brands, people and ideologies by referring to them as mainstream. They all dress alike, use the same phone, wear the same glasses and generally look no different from the hipster next to them. I see a bit of an oxymoron there because hipsters are now mainstream... it's more of a fashion sense, just like the military machine of the world has a fashion sense and rejects ideologies. My issue is this, either be different or accept you are the same, or is that too mainstream for you.

I thank you for your time and patience and do let me know if there is a word that you find annoying or don't see the point of.

Regards,

Z

Corporate Stooges

There are some harsh realities when you live and work in the environment that I live in. To be specific, I am a marketer who has worked in advertising agencies and on the brand side and am currently in the latter.

When I was in university, I had some romantic notions about what the working world would be like, and after hard experience, I learned certain things that I have just managed to accept and use to my advantage. In case you are wondering, I have just admitted to playing dirty politics with the leeches of the corporate world, but, I am still (almost) humane with those less powerful.

I want  to share my cynical outlet with the Internet, even if no one is reading.

Just a disclaimer before I begin, if I have worked with you and you feel shame or outrage while reading the following it's because you are guilty of something.

1. There will always be someone trying to take credit for your work:

This might be a boss or more likely someone from a parallel department who will claim credit and acclaim for work you did and some will go as far as to putting your accomplishments in their resume. I have viewed certain profiles on linked in of people who have put down my work as their accomplishment. These people have bullshit coming out of 2 holes and one day given the right circumstances, I will expose them, out of pure spite.

2. People who claim benefits based on your work:

I have worked with people in the past who have gotten raises and promotions for work that I did. I can literally name the people and the work that they copy pasted, reformatted and presented as their own hard work. It happens a few times not a lot, but the hate and the hurt has always stuck with me. Some of my optimistic friends tell me to look on the bright side and understand that I am THAT good. But, it makes me want to set their car on fire.

3. Someone is always trying to throw you under the bus:

Yes, be on the lookout, there is someone in your department who does shoddy paperwork, works mostly on verbal agreements. Look around, you'll notice that person, the more clandestine they think they are the more obvious the become. Thank heavens that no one has been able to throw me under the bus because of the previous bosses I have had that have stuck up for me and have taught me the value of a clearly drafted email. They are out there, be as fucking careful as you can be.

4. Red Tapers

You have probably run into one of these, it is probably a middle aged guy most likely in your finance department who is used to maintaining accounts on registers by hand. MS Excel, SAP and Oracle etc are their worst nightmares. To feel relevant, they make you run around getting printouts signed original papers and still do everything by hand. They are a dying breed, I am patient because they will die out soon!

5. The Useless Fucks

Most likely has an MBA from a prestigious university, talks like he knows everything but spews absolute shit. If you are from a prestigious university, around a year or more of experience, are used to 'delegating' and tell your friends you do very important shit... you probably are the twat in in question. 

6. The Person Who Takes Kickbacks

These kinds are everywhere and I have usually found them moving up the corporate ladder faster than the rest. They make money from awarding projects to vendors at a higher cost but move up because their jobs usually get done on time bu at a higher cost. 

I'm sure I have forgotten a great many idiots... but these are the big ones, I know they exist and have learned how to manipulate them. The technique is simple, when emailing these morons, write clear, precise and very singe meaning sentences and learn to use the BCC tab.

Regards,

Z

4 Realities Of The Working Man/Woman

I don't have too much work experience compared to many people I know (and work for) but I have done my fair share of switching. I have floated, consulted, been employed, worked for myself and even been unemployed.

Over all of this change and turmoil in my life there are certain truths that I have learned, the hard way, about the working world. I wanted to share these truths with the world.

1. The grass is NOT greener on the other side:

People tend to want to switch their existing job because they are unhappy with their current place. They look to other companies in an effort to find happiness, the truth is, it's not there! Have a look at the people who are already there, do they seem happy? In almost all cases, no one is happy where they are, nor will you find happiness. Keep it simple, work for the highest paymasters.

2. EVERY employer lies to you:

If you are expecting your boss to be truthful, you  are dumber than you look. They will lie, cheat and cajole you to get what they want from you. False promises are a truth of life when it comes to employers and bosses. Deal with it, if you can't do anything about it. The best way around it is to get it in writing, that way at least you can embarrass the fucker when the time comes.

3. Bullshitters ALWAYS have the better deal:

The game is simple, the better the bullshitter you are the higher and faster you will rise. It has nothing to do with intelligence or ability to deliver, all you need is a golden tongue. My gut feel is, people (read management) believes that if you are performing a function well you are more valuable performing that function yourself and the guy that does not perform it well, well... you do the math.

4. You will NEVER have a work life balance:

Every place of employment will take as much out of you as they possibly can without causing liability to themselves. Unless you join the government, you will almost certainly have a 12 hour workday, leaving no time for the myth you call 'life'.

I won't depress you too much and leave it at just these core four!

Anjoy!

Z

Please don't label me a man. A request by a Man!

Working in advertising, I deal with advertisers and marketers who have their own misconstrued and twisted notions on who women are and how they behave. But, something I recently realized, everyone has their own notions and cliches in their heads about men.

Be warned, when I say men, I mean men, not little boys in college or university who are yet to deal with the problems and pressures of the real world.

I would like to set the record straight, at least about me. Following you will find the leading misconceptions people have about me, and probably, other MEN.

1. All I think and talk about are women:

This is an absolute fallacy, my life is way to complicated and has too many moving parts to dedicate a major portion of brain power and conversation about random women. I have bills to worry about, the next career move, family, friends, favours I need and favours I need to do. Maybe once or twice a month will I find the time with a good friend where we will have a brief discussion about women, but that is rarely of a sexual nature.

2. I can't be 'just friends' with a woman:

Seriously. Even some of my guy friends have accused me of this. A few of my best friends are women and I don't want to have any designs with them. Call it the male version of the friend zone, but its there. If there is a woman I don't want to be 'just friends' with I won't be friends with her.

3. When I say that I'll do something, I'll do it immediately:

Haven't you ever heard of getting the existing job done first? Or should I just drop everything and run your stupid errand?

4. That all I want is a pencil thin woman with huge knockers:

Another stupid cliche that only little boys have. Obviously I am not attracted to fat women, and before you judge men, adjust your own definition of fat, but understand the fact that all I want is a REAL woman, not a barbie doll.

5. That I am not complicated:

I too have dreams, nightmares, fears and desires just like you. I bury my insecurities under layers of protection so the world can't poke at it. I have my own hang ups and if I say 'no' to you I have reasons I don't want to share. Try analyzing that!

6. That I over think stuff because I'm stuck up:

That is possibly the dumbest thing people have confronted me with. "You think you are better than everyone else", a direct quote. I over think because I want to be sure of what is happening, I used to be a leap before looking kind of guy a decade ago, I grew up since then as that approach blew up in my face. I over think because I am unsure, I want to be sure! It is my insecurity, YES, my insecurity, I have no other choice.

7. I am constantly available to do whatever it is the fuck you want from me:

NO!

8. I am emotionally distant:

I am a diagnosed sociopath. I do have trouble dealing with complicated emotions. There, after all these years, I finally said it. If I don't feel your pain, it's because I take time processing 'empathy', that is ME... if you judge me for it, that's your problem.

9. I think about sex every 7 seconds:

Refer to point 1.

10: If you have a personal agenda, I can't tell:

Seriously, everyone who thinks that, needs a huge reality check. Ever notice how my tone changes or my interest level deteriorates. I'm being polite. Don't ever assume I don't know what you are up to. I'll be specific here, people who come to me for "advice" or "help" on "their own" projects but want me to do their job for them. It's always pretty obvious.



These are just a few things that popped to mind. As time goes along I'm sure I'll do a version 2 of this.

Until then,

Cheers,

Z

28 Things To Do Before I Die

Dear All,

This is an open letter to all those who love me and whom I hold in slightly high regard.


I was doing a bit of cleaning in my room today and I came across a document written in my own handwriting titled "29 Things To Do Before I Die". I dont know when I wrote this, how I wrote this, if I copied it from somewhere or I was just feeling immensely full of life.


I almost cried when I read it, and I have decided that before the decade is done I will do each and every one of these things on the list. I would like all those close to me to make sure I follow through. You can also join me.


Without further ado,

1. Learn to fly
2. Donate a month's salary to charity
3. Climb a mountain alone
4. Buy a piece of original art
5. Do a good deed anonymously
6. Laugh everyday
7. Run a marathon
8. Visit every continent
9. Feel the need to write love poetry
10. Surprise someone by telling them how I feel
11. Cry with happiness
12. Meet a leader of a country
13. Start a trip without any idea of the destination
14. Give a child a home
15. Sleep under the stars
16. Leap before I look
17. Defend a principle at a personal cost
18. Make a speech that changes someone's life
19. Be a best friend to more than one person
20. Meditate
21. Be present at the birth of anything
22. Love as though there is no tomorrow
23. Forgive someone who does not deserve it
24. Work for myself
25. Resign using lots of swear words
26. See the northern lights
27. Travel in a fighter jet
28. Swim with a dolphin
29. Go aboard naval destroyer

The ones I have done are underlined and number 29, has been done thanks to one of my great friends Saadia Qayyum who will probably never read this post. Follow her on twitter @SaadiaQayyum 


Here's hoping for an interesting decade!


Cheers,


Z

Rise of The Puppies!

People have continuously been asking me what is up with my hate of puppies. For those who don't know what I am on about, I had been posting the term "Kill a Puppy" as the solution to all of life's problems. It's time to spill the beans behind my hate of the puppies.

Where it came from:

I had just arrived from a Lahore business trip, the flight had been delayed almost an hour which meant that I got home round 2 am and for some reason, I went in to a horrid mood! That mood continued into the next morning. While driving in that atrocious mood I saw a puppy sitting in the middle of the road, so I thought to myself, "Can I cure my mood by driving over that puppy?" Hence began the "Kill a Puppy" trail. And before I start getting hate calls and messages, no puppies were harmed in the process!

There was no actual rationale behind entire trail but a morbid sense of humour. Yes! I have one of those and I am not ashamed of it! But there are some things I inadvertently learned during this escapade which I'm sure you will get a kick out of.

1. People who have pictures of puppies on their display pictures don't see any humour in it. I know that this one is kind of obvious but being threatened with hell for slaughtering a puppy is a real threat.
2. Advertising teasers can run longer: Since there was no campaign after my death to the puppies thing, the thing to note was the level of interest in the entire thing. So, if my advertising colleagues want to run a teaser campaign for a brand they can go far beyond the recommended 3 days, but, you need to make sure that the "shock and awe" value needs to be equivalent of threatening a cute cuddly little creature with a horrible and bloody death!
3. Women's masturbation is called killing a puppy! This was actually new to me and some interesting information someone pointed out over twitter. So, ladies, kill away!
4. Social paradox of language and imagery. On facebook and twitter we have two kinds of people, Urdu speakers and English speakers. The word 'puppy' is an English word that evokes images of a cute cuddly creature that you want to care for and love, and threatening it with death is an unimaginable crime. On the other hand if you use the term "Kuttay kay bachay ko maar do" (Literal translation of kill a puppy in Urdu) no one gives a crap!
5. Zardari all the way! I admit, I should have seen this one coming, anything related to dogs and immediately someone will make a Zardari quip!
6. If you let out your dark side, someone else will too! People admitted to prior situations where they actually killed or ended up hurting an animal. It's a side everyone has and we all need to respect our dark sides. No judgement here, I love you all for who you are, you can share with me because I understand! Nuff said!
7. Animal rights groups in the country are surprisingly inactive! Yes we do have animal rights groups in Pakistan!
8. People have filthy minds! We all know this and I just wanted to say it again, almost everyone at one point mistook the word "puppy" for "pappi" (which means 'kiss' in Urdu). Again, no judgements!

I hope you enjoyed the uselessness of this entire exercise! For those who know me, after Antonio, this was the most fun I had on social media!

Cheers,

Z

PS: Kill a puppy!